I am so sad to hear of the loss of both Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain this week. These tragic deaths have sparked a conversation amongst my friends and I about how much we want to share our personal struggles publicly. How much we are able to share the sorrows in our personal lives. There are many estimates that suggest as many as 1 in 4 people suffer from some type of mental health issue at some point in life. Travel bloggers are not immune to this, just because they might be at a beautiful beach or posting photos smiling while skydiving. No one is immune to dark times in life.
I’ve seen posts today stating that not sharing your pain on social media is “lying”. They say not only is it a lie, it is destructive. That photos of happy couples, friends, sunsets, your travel photos and selfies are hurting and sometimes killing people.
As I have said before if you choose not to share your personal troubles publicly, that is okay. If you don’t want to, that is okay. You don’t need to explain yourself. There are many reasons that people choose to keep things private. They may still be processing and not have the words, they may lack the energy, fear how people might react, professional repercussions or they simply are not ready. When people do share difficult things online, Bystander Apathy is an issue. People assume that other people are helping the person when in reality no one is thus making the person feel worse. You can choose to reveal as little or as much of yourself as you feel comfortable with on social media.
I also think you should not have to pretend to be happy when you are not. A few years ago I made a choice to be honest about how I feel and to never apologize for it. In doing so I have attracted genuine people in my life who appreciate my openness and vulnerability. I feel more confident with who I am and what I want. Someone may not want to share on social media, that doesn’t mean I devalue the need for real conversations. I believe having real conversations is essential to truly connect with those around us. In having the courage to share your authentic feelings you empower others to do the same. You show others that they are not alone; often you learn that you are not alone. Our society teaches us that if we are sad it is a problem to be fixed. I think sadness has beauty in some way, it means that you cared so deeply about something that you feel its loss. It is okay to feel sad, to embrace your sadness and accept it. To love every single part of yourself. When you fully love every part of who you are, it will only grow your compassion and acceptance of others.
It is also not wrong to share the things that bring you joy in life, friends, family, travels, art, self-confidence, nature or whatever it may be. It’s great to believe in yourself and to be proud of your successes. We all shine in our own unique ways. We should always be building each other up. I have nothing but love and admiration when my friends find their happiness. We should celebrate the beautiful things in life. These things can inspire, fill people with hope and connect people. Each person reacts to posts differently, what might make one person feel down, might make another person feel inspired. I truly don’t believe the solution is to dim our lights and make ourselves small.
I am not saying that social media has no influence on people, I think the important thing to remember is that no matter what someone posts on social media-everyone is hurting at one time or another. Sometimes they’re happy and sometimes they’re sad-they’re human. Absolutely no one has everything perfect. Try not to compare yourself. If you want to help others, put time and effort into making genuine connections. Please be kind-always. Believe the best of people, that friend who’s been “too busy” for you might be dealing with something and need you to reach out. I have noticed in times of sadness in my life, sometimes people want to help but don’t know what to say. People are afraid to say the wrong thing. Sadness, depression and suicide might make people feel uncomfortable. This sometimes leads to people avoiding the person who is struggling. The thing is, when people are hurting-this is when they most need you to reach out to them. They might not have the strength to ask for help. The most important thing is you are there, you are present with them…even if you say the wrong thing. People will remember that you showed up for them. If you are suffering yourself and don’t have the energy to give someone, that is okay too. Please take care of yourself.
These are a few conversation starters, responses and tips I personally have found useful to develop meaningful friendships, show empathy and to help those in need. These are things I myself have found helpful as this year has been one of the most difficult years of my life. I am currently dealing with situational depression and anxiety. Showing how much you care, listening and being present in someone’s pain can make a tremendous difference in someone’s life. You might even save a life.
Conversation starters and responses:
- ”How are you doing?”
- “How are you feeling?”
- “How can I best be there for you right now?”
- “Do you want to talk?”
- “How can I help you?”
- “What support do you need from me right now?”
- “Thank you for having the courage to share that with me.”
- “I really care about you.”
- “I’m sorry you’re hurting so much right now.”
- “That must have been really hard for you.”
- “I’m here for you.”
- “Whatever happens it will be okay and you will get through it.”
- “It’s not your fault.”
- “You matter.”
- “What kind of thoughts are you having?”
- “Things will get better.”
- “Is there anything I can do?”
- “If you want to talk about how you are feeling, I’m listening.”
- “I’ll come with you if you need support – even if it’s just grocery shopping.“
- “Take your time, you don’t have to rush to feel better.”
- “You aren’t alone.”
- “I want to remind you how much I love you.”
- “I know things are hard right now and that’s okay.”
- “If you’d rather talk to a professional, I can help you sort that out.”
- “You are important to me.”
- “You can reach out to me at any time.”
- Saying nothing at all, just being there, a hug or holding a hand.
Tips:
- Follow up, keep following up and checking in.
- Be aware that what someone needs might change, you can always ask.
- Listen without judgment and with empathy.
- If someone does not ask for advice or solutions-just listen.
- Don’t say “be positive” or “change your attitude”.
- Respect if someone says no or otherwise draws a boundary. Such as not talking or being touched.
- Be patient.
- Be available.
- Be encouraging and avoid minimizing people’s problems. Whatever someone shares with you is very real to that person. Don’t suggest that what they are experiencing is “no big deal” or “not serious.” or compare it to other “greater” problems. Instead, choose words that affirm their suffering and encourage them to get through it.
- Help connect them to further friends and family for support.
- Respect the needs of others, even if you don’t understand them or might need something different in a similar situation.
To anyone who is dealing with something right now, I have so much love for you. You are not alone. I care. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. If you need to talk, Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255 or online chat via https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress.