Dear Men,
Over the past few years many brave women I know have shared their #metoo stories both on social media and off. I have felt heartbroken and so angry to learn that more friends than I could have fathomed have been raped, sexually assaulted, harassed or have dealt with domestic violence.
I know other women have felt this way too, the silence from men I know has been deafening.
I feel like men will post about anything, comment or “like” anything except issues surrounding rape and sexual assault.
At this point, you don’t get to pretend you don’t know what women deal with. We see your apathy.
No one should have to say mothers, sisters, daughters as if women only matter in their relationships to men. We shouldn’t have to prove our suffering or daily fear of violence to matter. I shouldn’t have to spell out the ways in which the patriarchy harms men as well. Women inherently matter.
Usually if I share something related to rape, consent, misogyny or sexism it’s only or mostly women who respond to it. Of my male friends, I can think of less than 10 men I know who have ever posted on social media expressing outrage, wanting to learn more, standing up for women or even just sharing an article about these issues. I have them noted in my head as safe spaces, like if someone harasses me-they’ll take me seriously and help me. They’ll listen.
Many men I know seem to think that because they personally don’t physically attack or rape women and if they saw a physical attack on a women-they would stop it, that in the fight against sexism and rape culture that’s doing enough. It’s NOT ENOUGH. It’s the bare fucking minimum. The bare minimum of being a decent human.
Men have told me that it’s not their place because they don’t want to center themselves, because they heard men can’t be feminists or that they shouldn’t say anything because they can’t fathom what women go through. Let me tell you, silence isn’t the answer. Who is it you think should do the work with other men? Only women?! On top of everything we have had to deal with as women! You realize that you have privilege and because of sexism there are many men who will respect what you say more so than anything I could ever say.
Not to mention the volume of emotional labor myself and other women have done standing up for men who are suffering because of other men’s toxic masculinity! Emotional labor spent playing therapist to men who’s fathers cheated, abused, for men who’s friends fat shamed them or bullied them in other ways. Men who because of the rigid ideas the patriarchy dictates about what it means to be a man had trouble processing their feelings, communicating and regulating their moods. It has been scary for me to deal with men’s anger even when not directed at me. Many of these men hadn’t done the self work and were not able to be there for me in the same way. I care deeply for the men in my life but men need to be doing the work with each other, encouraging each other to seek help. Girlfriends are not meant to be therapists for men.
I recently asked a couple of my male friends why they don’t advocate for women, they said they don’t really post much on social media. You might trivialize the impact of social media but it is a powerful tool to start conversations and let people know where you stand. Tarang Chawla is an excellent example of a feminist man using his platform to advocate for women.
Even in real life I am hard pressed to think of very many times men have brought up any of this in conversation or asked me questions about sexism, how to be an ally to women, rape culture or feminism.
I get how you might be afraid of not saying the right thing but being silent because of that is making it about yourself. I did the same thing in not speaking up about racism and I am sorry for that. You will say the wrong thing sometimes, you can be open to feedback, learn and adjust if you do. Not to mention there is a plethora of feminist books, podcasts, articles and Instagrams if you want to have a better understanding. You could start by amplifying the voices of women who have been doing this work such as the incredible Wagatwe Wanjuki or maybe even sharing this article.
Also remember that your feminism should be intersectional. “Intersectional feminism is looking at not only the myriad aspects of our identity—our race, our gender, our sexual orientation, but how power and oppression play in those,” Malika Sharma, MD
I can think of many times when the male contribution to me bringing up gender equality was to speak about women “lying”, minimize what I shared and/or defensively say “not all men”. Not asking me questions or wanting to change things. Not seeking to understand, listening or expressing empathy. I get that it’s uncomfortable but I need you to care. We need you to care.
Men, I really want to know:
Were you horrified by Brock Turner? Did you hear all of the #metoo stories? Do you want justice for R. Kelly’s victims? Did the grab them by the pussy tape make your skin crawl? Did you mourn for the 6 Asian women murdered in Atlanta? For Sarah Everard? Do you feel empathy? Do you care? Will you stand up for women? Will you do the work to educate yourselves and unlearn your misogyny? Will you acknowledge where you have harmed women, apologize and do better? Will you step up and have uncomfortable conversations doing the work with other men?