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Dear Men, What Will It Take for You to Care?

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Anna Kate encourages men to be feminst

Dear Men,

⁣⁣Over the past few years many brave women I know have shared their #metoo stories both on social media and off. I have felt heartbroken and so angry to learn that more friends than I could have fathomed have been raped, sexually assaulted, harassed or have dealt with domestic violence. ⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣

I know other women have felt this way too, the silence from men I know has been deafening.⁣⁣⁣⁣

I feel like men will post about anything, comment or “like” anything except issues surrounding rape and sexual assault.

⁣⁣⁣⁣At this point, you don’t get to pretend you don’t know what women deal with. We see your apathy.⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣

No one should have to say mothers, sisters, daughters as if women only matter in their relationships to men. We shouldn’t have to prove our suffering or daily fear of violence to matter. I shouldn’t have to spell out the ways in which the patriarchy harms men as well. Women inherently matter.

Usually if I share something related to rape, consent, misogyny or sexism it’s only or mostly women who respond to it. Of my male friends, I can think of less than 10 men I know who have ever posted on social media expressing outrage, wanting to learn more, standing up for women or even just sharing an article about these issues. I have them noted in my head as safe spaces, like if someone harasses me-they’ll take me seriously and help me. They’ll listen.⁣⁣

Many men I know seem to think that because they personally don’t physically attack or rape women and if they saw a physical attack on a women-they would stop it, that in the fight against sexism and rape culture that’s doing enough. It’s NOT ENOUGH. It’s the bare fucking minimum. The bare minimum of being a decent human.

⁣⁣⁣Men have told me that it’s not their place because they don’t want to center themselves, because they heard men can’t be feminists or that they shouldn’t say anything because they can’t fathom what women go through. Let me tell you, silence isn’t the answer. Who is it you think should do the work with other men? Only women?! On top of everything we have had to deal with as women! You realize that you have privilege and because of sexism there are many men who will respect what you say more so than anything I could ever say.

⁣⁣⁣Not to mention the volume of emotional labor myself and other women have done standing up for men who are suffering because of other men’s toxic masculinity! Emotional labor spent playing therapist to men who’s fathers cheated, abused, for men who’s friends fat shamed them or bullied them in other ways. Men who because of the rigid ideas the patriarchy dictates about what it means to be a man had trouble processing their feelings, communicating and regulating their moods. It has been scary for me to deal with men’s anger even when not directed at me. Many of these men hadn’t done the self work and were not able to be there for me in the same way. I care deeply for the men in my life but men need to be doing the work with each other, encouraging each other to seek help. Girlfriends are not meant to be therapists for men.⁣

⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣I recently asked a couple of my male friends why they don’t advocate for women, they said they don’t really post much on social media. You might trivialize the impact of social media but it is a powerful tool to start conversations and let people know where you stand. Tarang Chawla is an excellent example of a feminist man using his platform to advocate for women.

Even in real life I am hard pressed to think of very many times men have brought up any of this in conversation or asked me questions about sexism, how to be an ally to women, rape culture or feminism. ⁣⁣⁣

I get how you might be afraid of not saying the right thing but being silent because of that is making it about yourself. I did the same thing in not speaking up about racism and I am sorry for that. You will say the wrong thing sometimes, you can be open to feedback, learn and adjust if you do. Not to mention there is a plethora of feminist books, podcasts, articles and Instagrams if you want to have a better understanding. You could start by amplifying the voices of women who have been doing this work such as the incredible Wagatwe Wanjuki or maybe even sharing this article.

Also remember that your feminism should be intersectional. “Intersectional feminism is looking at not only the myriad aspects of our identity—our race, our gender, our sexual orientation, but how power and oppression play in those,” Malika Sharma, MD

I can think of many times when the male contribution to me bringing up gender equality was to speak about women “lying”, minimize what I shared and/or defensively say “not all men”. Not asking me questions or wanting to change things. Not seeking to understand, listening or expressing empathy. I get that it’s uncomfortable but I need you to care. We need you to care.

⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣Men, I really want to know:⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣

Were you horrified by Brock Turner? Did you hear all of the #metoo stories? Do you want justice for R. Kelly’s victims? Did the grab them by the pussy tape make your skin crawl? Did you mourn for the 6 Asian women murdered in Atlanta? For Sarah Everard? Do you feel empathy? Do you care? Will you stand up for women? Will you do the work to educate yourselves and unlearn your misogyny? Will you acknowledge where you have harmed women, apologize and do better? Will you step up and have uncomfortable conversations doing the work with other men? ⁣⁣

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24 Comments

  1. TTyyll says:

    I have felt the same way. Thank you.

  2. Marc Ottenheijm says:

    We should be our own therapist and in any way be able to speak out freely whatever bothers us or pops up in our mind.

    Since I was a child I stood up for those who needed it in my eyes, most of the times that were women and children.
    That would simply mean that when men were talking in their masculine way and joking about women, I would tell them to have more respect for each other.

    I realize in my life span that people who I’ve told to be more respectful to others, really change in their behaviour when they are around me. Let’s hope they also do it when I’m not around. 😊

    Lovely greetings Marc

    1. Mal says:

      They don’t. They just think you’re a white knight 😀

  3. Salotte Chalotte says:

    That’s because feminists in general don’t care about what men have to say. And when they talk about their experiences, feminists chose to dismiss them. I’m happy to be transgender because it really sucks to be a man today.

    1. Anna says:

      It is sad that some men’s issues are overlooked, even dismissed and invalidated largely by other men and also by some women. I hope you appreciated the mention of some of the things men face in this article. I hope men are receiving support from each other as well. Do you think because men are also dealing with issues and have had challenges being taken seriously that they shouldn’t stand up for women?

      1. TedTheAtheist says:

        A lot of men’s issues are overlooked. Men have more severe issues than women. In fact, you really couldn’t come up with any as bad as I can come up with for men.

        There is nothing to stand up for for women. Women have it easy here in the western world. Men are the ones going through huge issues.

      2. Josh says:

        “largely by other men and also by some women”
        Do you have a source for that?



        Thought so

  4. Kelly says:

    Of course I expected to see the “what about men” and the “feminists hate men” along with others. Jesus. Men, you need to do better! If your first reaction to this is you need to defend your apathy then you need to spend some time in the corner looking inward! Women are advocating for you…speak up for us!

    1. Mal says:

      Maybe you need to look inward instead of looking for the next thing to be offended about.

    2. TedTheAtheist says:

      No, women are NOT “advocating” for men. If they were, then men would have reproductive rights, we’d not be publicly called out without evidence for a sexual assault that probably didn’t happen since so many are false, we wouldn’t get raked through the coals in family court.. so much I could go on with.

    3. Max says:

      Toxic feminism like this is constantly branding all men by the actions of the few who do wrong. That kind of attitude comes at a cost and is hurting your grandfathers, your fathers, your husbands, your brothers, and – most of all – your sons.

    4. John Hewis says:

      Hah the irony… When we speak up and defend women we are seen as oppressive as we’re essentially taking the voice of women away. When we stay silent we are seen as oppressive because we’re not doing enough and we’re basically siding with misogynists.

      I am doing what’s best and speaking up for MY issues because that’s what I understand and can comprehend.

      You sound like that whiny child that couldn’t get what they wanted “ignore your issues and help me!!!”

    5. Scott says:

      You “advocate” then bitch about having to do “emotional labor” and say “men, fix yourselves.” You say, “a woman shouldn’t have to be a mother, sister, gf, etc.” to have value. Then when called out on your hared for men you reference you father, brother, bf. Hypocrites.

  5. Josh says:

    Are you willing to do the same for men?



    Thought so

    1. Anna says:

      Yes Josh, I have been advocating for men who are survivors of sexual assault online and off. Did you read the entire article? I did speak about some of the issues that men face, I stated I care deeply for men and also linked an article about issues men deal with. I also have advocated for men on Facebook, my Instagram page and stories. Feminism advocates for equality and while it focuses on women, it makes things better for men as well as they are also harmed by our patriarchal society. You can see one of my posts here if you’d like to see more: https://www.instagram.com/p/CP3j2euBxTb/ I hope that you also advocate for women.

      1. Scott says:

        Yes, you “care deeply” as you complain about having had to done emotional labor. This is why men do not trust or believe outspoken feminists. You talk out of both sides of your mouths.

  6. Keira says:

    “Not to mention the volume of emotional labor myself and other women have done standing up for men who are suffering because of other men’s toxic masculinity!”

    There’s so much wrong with this! You can’t complain that patriarchy hurts men and then complain when men, contrary to their traditional role, talk about their feelings.
    Besides, where did you get the idea that only men spread toxic masculinity? Women do it too. Maybe even more than men.
    But you are incapable of seeing men in the victim role and women in the perpetrator role because your own role concepts of perpetrator=man, victim=woman are rock solid.

    1. Max says:

      Masculinity is not toxic; it’s the feminist attitudes towards masculinity that are toxic.

      It’s the toxic feminist ideology that is trying to impose an unnatural and divisive anti male society that’s at fault. A system of thought and invented discriminatory practices in feminist ideology, culture, and economy, that feminists call the patriarchy and toxic masculinity.

      The term toxic masculinity is part of the feminist ideology that sees male behaviour within a context of the patriarchy and denies as much as possible that it is (1) the result of biological differences, and (2) that typical male behaviour is “human” behaviour.

      That’s the problem. You take the time to call it Toxic Masculinity when “sexism” “oppression” and “misandry” are preexisting words that fit. But for some reason you don’t want to use those words…

      Toxic masculinity was originally created by the mythopoetic men’s movement, with a completely different definition. The mythopoets believed that society was forcing boys to be feminine, instead of letting them be themselves.

      Feminists twisted the definition by demanding men be more feminine, and deciding that they know what’s best for men.
      The feminist definition of toxic masculinity is a backlash against the growing number of men speaking up.

      Toxic masculinity isn’t about masculinity at all; it’s all about the negative stereotypes that all men are accused of, simply because they are men.
      Men dont hide their emotions because of ‘Toxic Masculinity’; They hide them because no one cares.

    2. Scott says:

      Thank you for this reply. I’ tired of pointing it out. Keyboard feminists complain the toxic masculinity prevents men from sharing feelings, then when a man does they ply the emotional labor card. So tired of the hypocritical doublespeak from people like the OP.

  7. Eugene says:

    It can be because men are not falling into marxist power play based on gender – just because you are not satisfied with current state of things or progress does not mean others need to work harder or that it is fine for you to demand them work harder

  8. Dave says:

    The line of “girlfriends are not meant to be therapists for men” just cracks me up. Yet somehow you come off as believing that men are meant to be bodyguards for women. You also make it a point to note how much material there is out for men to learn about these topics that affect women. Your cause has been in the been in the spotlight for a long time. Meanwhile, men can’t even bring up men’s rights issues without being called misogynistic or sexist. Men are trying to get laws changed so that women don’t win custody battles 90% of the time. The things that you are bringing up in this article are terrible, but women have the law on their side when it comes to assault.

  9. Max says:

    Feminists, women, and their white knight defenders need to stop holding men to standards they’re personally and collectively unwilling to meet.

    If you want us to stop saying *Not All Men* then stop blaming All Men.

    Not all women are feminist, but enough of them are and they hate all men…

  10. Dennis says:

    Want an actual, real, heart-felt answer?

    Well, the old saying goes: “damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”

    I’ve been physically and emotionally abused (including physical violence needing medical attention) by previous partners. While it’s sad, and anyone who can see/hear/read that this happens to women, it’s not exclusive and for those who scream to the heavens for one group, while severely downgrading or ignoring another group with the same exact woes – that, that is (and should be to you as well) deafening.

    The movement you’re a part of doesn’t want ‘equality’ – if that was the case, then no special treatment would be demanded and those men (who like myself once did, but no longer) speak up – would not be shamed and scolded if we help raise awareness, yet get the same if we don’t. If one is gonna get the proverbial beat-down and same treatment, why would anyone give effort to be so? I know of no individual man or woman…who would be prone to willingly step into that sort of abuse.

    So, my question is this – is why it seems that the same voice isn’t given to everyone men and woman alike in the same manner? Equality, it’s the ultimate goal of all this, right? A crime committed against another is still a crime regardless of gender, race, creed, religion, etc., or is that not the case and it’s all contextual with the movement, and that being mirrored in this article?

    If it’s contextual, then I’ll step back yet another step and let this marinate in that contextualism of where these acts matter and are spoken of and help/aid/listening ears are given, and where they are not – this shouldn’t need pointed out to anyone who’s given it 5 min of thought.

    In general, we Men care (the vast majority of us), but we’ve all beaten the majority of us men back with nastiness and contextualism. It’s either all for one and one for all – or the movement finds itself (as this article seems to point at) all all alone screaming at the sky…and that’s where I’ll leave it.

    One can’t be a honey badger and porcupine mixed with a Tasmanian devil and expect approach, engagement or even attention – that sort of vehemence will have people, like myself avoiding those who act like that (and their movements) with extreme caution. The current movement of ‘feminism’ is hardly approachable, inclusive and healing – it’s quite the opposite save those who are self-degrading, manipulative and dare I say toxic.

    While the article stated that you’ve spoke about ‘some’ of the issues men face, that statement seems to have no real weight behind it, being almost empty in execution of it. The movement should scream just as loudly for the men as for the women. Not ‘partly’, as the word itself doesn’t seem to spell or even give the illusion of ‘equality’ does it?

    What’s harming society is the toxicity, blindness and ignorance that issues that have come forth are dealt with – Feminism, while it’s original charger was needed, it’s current iteration should sicken you as well, if ‘equality’ is what’s wanted/needed and the ultimate goal.

    Want more Men to come forward and participate, support willingly and with abandon? The movement needs to revaluate and stop pointing fingers and pretending that every woman is a victim and every man is to blame for something. Work for a solution through positive inclusiveness and motivation – the methods employed currently are as offensive and off-putting as if Men were to generalize and stereotype women, their behaviors and scream about the matriarchal society is destroying men and society through manipulation and the like. See how that might sound and look if reversed? Would you feel included? (how would anyone) Would you be feel spurred to help or even approach that topic, even if they used buzz words like ‘inclusiveness’ and ‘equality’?

    Take what you see right now with feminism, and replace that word with Masculism. Replace the word Patriarchy with Matriarchy. Turn everything you see and read in reverse, and tell me how motivated you would be to say a single word, or become involved with an organization or movement like that…or that men need to be blindly believed over women because somehow, magically unlike the rest of humanity are incapable of lying or manipulation – and have people lose their livelihood, education and jobs over unproven and unsubstantiated accusations. Would you really be interested in some gaffing crapfest like that? Truly?

    Read this for what it is, or don’t – I can tell you for one, that as a Man and Father of 5 daughters whom I love more than life itself and will protect at all costs, I’m bowing out of this arena once again until common sense is regained and the movement reclaims it’s original charter.

  11. Christie says:

    Anna! Thanks for being bold and speaking up. These men, commenting negatively, are just having a hard time accepting a painful truth. It’s easier to shift blame than own up to our wrongs and work to change them. I had a similar first reaction when I read “White Fragility”. But when I let the message sink in I realized my pride was standing in the way. Sometimes creating change takes collective ownership and repentance!

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